Freaking out over…daily things

I can’t do anything. Everything seams so difficult and has so many obstacles and I spend my days doing almost nothing. It kills me softly as Roberta Flack would say.

Before I have the mental health problem I worked in the non profit sector for environment organisations and I loved it! I was passionate about it. Now I can’t have a proper job, I’m too tired, too dum and too emotionally unstable. No one can imagine how bad this is, it destroys me. My fire, my strength, my self-confidence, my optimism, all have come down to ZERO. I’m not sure what am I still doing here. What is my purpose? Is this a life?

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no intention in the things that happens in our lives. There isn’t any purpose, any lesson or any superior reason for me/people having a mental condition. It’s all random. This means that I’m loosing faith in the Universe and that I’m practically an orphan of divine protection which leaves pretty much alone and struggling not to lose all the hope. Jose Saramago, a remarkable portuguese writer, has demonstrated the lack of good will and faith of all gods in his novel Son of Caim, and I agree with him. But don’t take me wrong, I respect religious people and I even envy them with their faith. They have something to hold on to.

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In nature I find the sacred, the divine. It’s my sanctuary.  It gives me a priceless peace of mind and fulfilled heart.

 

I asked my psi many times to help me understand what job can I handle with my limitations. The answers were from silence, to “I can’t help you with that”, to “write articles for environmental magazines” (a little better), to “what about that photographic project with horses you told me about”. I said that that’s a hobby not something with purpose..besides, I’m alone most of the time so I need something to engage with people or I’m going crazy. Other persons, friends, suggested me to put my on business, but how am I going to do that when I feel so tired all the time?

Anyway, this post was not suppose to be about work but about me freaking out with the things I can’t do here at my house. The tasks are things like: painting doors and windows, painting outside walls, painting the main door, working on my photographies, printing some photographies, etc. When I’m away I think of so many things I want to do and even feel content about it. When I’m here it’s so hard to get anything done. For any task I think of doing it’s all very complicated and huge, or it’s worthless, or I think I won’t be able to finish it, or I feel tired, or I feel anxious and blocked, or it’s a fog in the brain that comes up, or there something stoping me and I just don’t do it. It seams that I have someone inside that permanently seeks self-sabotaging and self-destruction. Can this be?

Is there any more people feeling like this ? How do you manage it? How do you handle the obstacles and finish the task? Does any one have improved over time?